


moments that the words don't reach

by frenchbaguette



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst without a happy ending, Crying, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm just making the laflams ship suffer I'm so sorry, Implied suicide at the end, Laflams, Lots of Crying, M/M, Men Crying, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, Sadness, Self-Harm, and laf dies too, but then angst, i'm sorry but at the same time i'm not, in which john dies, in which our poor gay boys cannot be helped, literally almost entirely angst, oh and did I mention its laflams, sad sad sad angst and more sad, super angsty like holy shit, super super fluffy at the start and I love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchbaguette/pseuds/frenchbaguette
Summary: It felt like just that morning they were sharing kisses and encouraging words.Now they were standing beside a hospital bed, teary-eyed and praying he'd be better.John went first.Then Laf.Now, Alex has officially lost everyone he's ever loved.





	moments that the words don't reach

**Author's Note:**

> You're all gonna hate me for this. I sincerely apologize.
> 
> I just needed an excuse to write angst tbh and I'm Hamiltrash so
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the.. angst? I guess?
> 
> also, just a warning;
> 
> tw: homophobia, slightly graphic-ish injuries, self-harm and suicide at the end. basically its a big bundle of bad. Proceed with caution.

Just that morning, they'd been sharing cuddles, sweet passionate kisses as they laid in bed.

"Mon amour, we really should get up and do something," Lafayette had said, chuckling softly as Alex laid cuddled up to his bare body. "It's Saturday, there was a museum I wanted to take you two to."

"A museum?" John had said, chuckling as he sat on the edge of the bed working his hair into a ponytail, "Laf that's the most boring thing ever."

"Harsh," Alex had chimed in with a snicker as he laid there. "John, apologize."

"Oh, no! My boyfriend's threatening me for calling the cock he rides boring. I'm so scared," John had shot back, and it was silent for only a moment before the three burst out laughing- a shared sound Lafayette reveled in. Then, the Frenchman was pressing a kiss to Alex's temple and getting up, getting dressed for the day while Alex watched with a smirk, his eyes taking in every detail of Laf's body as he changed.

John promptly slugged him.

Alex retaliated with a soft punch to the shoulder.

Moments later the two half-dressed males were wrestling on the bed, laughing as they tried to dominate one another.

Lafayette finished changing into what he was wearing for the day- a tank top that was colored to resemble a French flag, and gray sweatpants. When he turned around, he definitely wasn't expecting to see his boyfriends tussling, half dressed, like feral animals. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Mon amours," The exasperation was clear in his tone. "We don't have time for this... tomfoolery. Please, stop wrestling like you're attempting to be WWE champions and get dressed."

"Okay, okay," John spoke up next from where he had pinned Alex down on the bed. He grinned, adding, "I win!" before pressing a kiss to Alex's temple and then crawling off him. John slid off the bed moments later and walked over to their shared closet to get dressed.

After a little bit more hassle and another brief wrestling match or two, Alex and John were _finally_ dressed and waiting patiently by the front door to their house while Laf stayed behind to grab something from their room.

When Laf finally re-emerged, he smiled in satisfaction and opened the door, taking both of his boyfriends' hands and almost dragging them outside. Alex had the liberty to shut the door behind them- John glared over at him from behind Laf's back.

As they walked downtown, they shared idle chitchat- talked about their plans for the day. Alex and John both had nothing to do and Laf had an idea. He was going to surprise his boyfriends- and God, they were going to love it. Thinking about it put a smile on his face. Alex noticed and smirked, but otherwise remained quiet.

None of them noticed the man until John's shoulders knocked with his.

"Hey, watch it," The man had stopped in his tracks and was glaring at them.

"S-sorry, wasn't looking where I was going," John kept his gaze low. Laf really wanted to get away; the look the man had on his face was unnerving.

That's when the man noticed their interlocked hands.

"Gay, are ya?" The man curled his lip and shook his head. "Disgusting."

That's when John released Laf's hand and stepped forward. "How about you fuck off?" He spat back.

"John-" Laf attempted. He _really_ wanted to get out of here- Alex was tense beside him and he'd been looking forward to having a good day with his boyfriends.

"Let me guess, you three are in a 'polyamorous' relationship, aren'tcha?" The man shook his head. "Disgusting. The president really should've passed an anti-gay law."

"Look, we don't know you, you don't know us. How about you stop being a judgemental fuckwad and go suck a dick?" John spat.

"John!" Alex gasped.

"You wanna go, gay boy?" The man hissed, stepping towards John.

John stood motionless for only a moment before he sent his fist slamming into the man's jaw.

Laf and Alex let out twin gasps and watched as the man stumbled backwards, clutching at his jaw. John ran at him and kneed him in the groin, pushing him to the ground and crawling onto him, before proceeding to repeatedly punch at his face.

For a bit, it was more or less just Laf and Alex watching in horror as John wrestled with the man, throwing blow for blow. Alex was completely rigid beside him- Laf lightly squeezed his hand as a show of comfort. It was still tame, no one was severely hurt. It'd be fine.

It got worse.

John became more aggressive with his punches and the man clearly became aggravated. He shoved John off, rising into some sort of kneeling position before reaching into his pocket and pulling out...

A gun.

Laf didn't catch on until it was too late.

 _Bang._ The sound reverberated loudly in his ears, and his heart pounded against his chest- he didn't realize John had been shot until the smaller man stumbled back, clutching at his abdomen. Alex rushed forward and caught John just in time as the man fell limply into Alex's grip.

"Holy shit!" Alex's eyes were wide, "Laf! Laf, call an ambulance, John's bleeding!"

Laf kicked into action when he finally became aware that his boyfriend was slumped in Alex's arms bleeding out of his stomach. He flipped out his phone and dialed 911, retelling the sequence of events to the operator and giving their current location before hanging up. Then, he ran over and joined Alex's side.

"John?!" He lightly shook his boyfriend's shoulder, "John, stay with us! Stay awake!"

John turned his head and weakly smiled at Laf, "I-it hurts," He croaked.

"I know, baby, but you need to stay awake," Laf told him, "The paramedics will be here soon."

"So.. tired..." John leaned his head back against Alex's chest, "Everything hurts.."

"John, _no,_ " Alex said firmly, "You need to stay awake, okay? You could die if you fall asleep, you're losing a lot of blood. Please, baby, stay awake for us. Deep breaths in and out, okay?"

John stirred a bit, his breathing becoming labored, "A-Alex, Laf... I d-don't want to die..."

"Y-you won't, babe," Laf stumbled over his words as he shakily took John's hand, "The paramedics will be here any second. You'll be fine, okay? Just stay with us, please, stay alive.."

John glanced up at Alex, and then to Laf, and weakly smiled, "Y-you two.. are the best... b-boyfriends I-I could have ever a-asked for.."

"John, don't say that," Alex said firmly. "Let's count together, okay? Just until the paramedics get here."

"O-okay.."

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine," Alex began softly.

"One... two... three... four, five... six.. seven.. eight, nine.." John repeated, just barely muffling a yawn. Laf gently squeezed his hand.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine," Laf chimed in this time. Alex forced a smile.

"One.. two, three, four... five... six, seven.. eight... nine," John repeated, sounding a bit drowsy. Laf squeezed his hand again, a bit firmer this time.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf," Alex began again, his fingers loosely playing with John's hair.

"Un, deux, trois..." John coughed, and Laf frowned. "Quatre.. cinq.."

As John began to trail off, Laf heard the wailing of sirens in the distance. Biting his lip, he squeezed John's hand as hard as he could, watching John's eyes flutter open again.

Alex gulped, "Just a little longer, baby.."

"It hurts.."

"I know, baby, I know," Alex responded as he tangled his fingers in John's hair, "But you have to be strong for me and Laf, okay?"

"Okay.." John's voice was weaker, more strained. Alex and Laf shared a look.

John really was not going to make another few minutes without falling asleep.

"Okay, um," Alex began, "This might hurt a bit, but.. we're going to carry you further down the block so you get to the ambulance quicker, okay?"

"Okay," John was yawning. Taking a deep breath, Alex slowly picked John up and shifted him over into Laf's grip- Laf winced when he saw the look of pain flash across John's face.

"Don't worry, baby, you'll be okay," Laf soothed softly as he turned and began down the sidewalk, Alex at his heels.

John groaned.

"Color?" Alex asked as he came up beside Laf.

"Green.. like your boxers.." John mumbled, and Alex blushed a deep shade of red. Laf would've smiled, even chuckled, in any other situation, but this was serious. John could _die._ So, keeping a straight face, Laf carried on.

They were only a bit further down the block when the ambulance pulled up, and Laf almost gasped with relief. He shared a weak smile with Alex as two people pulled open the back doors of the ambulance and jumped out with a stretcher.

John would be okay.

Trying to keep that thought in mind, Laf let the paramedics take John and lay him out on the stretcher. Took Alex's hand and squeezed it comfortingly, shared another smile that reassured Alex.

The paramedics climbed in and shut the doors, and as the ambulance drove away, that thought continued to swim in Laf's brain.

John would be okay.

_John would be okay._

*******

John was not okay.

For four days after he was first admitted into the hospital, John was unresponsive with no signs of waking up. On the fifth day, he lapsed into a coma.

Each day was a struggle after that. Laf and Alex would wake up, remember the incidents that had happened the days prior, and immediately rouse to get dressed. They'd be distracted, consumed by the thoughts of their boyfriend. They started taking half-shifts at work; their bosses understood, of course, but with their decisions of taking half-shifts came a lot of work they'd spend that night catching up on. Each day after their half-shift they'd go straight to the hospital, straight to John's room, and spend until closing time by his bed just wishing he would wake up. Word got around; people started bringing flowers, 'get well soon' cards, the like. Laf and Alex more then once went and got a couple beers with their friends to drink away their sorrows after the hospital's scheduled closing time.

Laf appreciated the flowers on John's windowsill, but they only dampened his mood.

Finally, on the eleventh day, the doctors told them the good news; that they thought John was finally waking up. Alex and Laf were so optimistic that they didn't even go into work, called in absent- their bosses being as understanding as always- and then went straight to the hospital an hour or two after opening time. They went straight to John's room and waited.

They waited for half an hour.

After almost, almost, a full hour, signs of movement were evident; John's hand twitched, or there was shifting under his blanket, or something like that. It remained small movements until, finally, John turned his head to the side and blinked open his eyes.

"John!" Alex cried, "You're awake!"

"Mon amour, we were so worried about you!" Laf chimed in, teary-eyed.

"Nnng..." John groaned, blinking once, then twice. "How long have I been out..?"

"Eleven days." Laf responded.

"Holy shit."

"Holy shit is right," Alex chuckled softly, smiling. "You really did worry us, though, John. W-we thought you were dead."

John smiled for only a moment, before it went away.

"Laf.. Alex.." He began.

"Yes, mon amour?" Laf asked.

"Yeah?" Alex repeated.

"C-come closer..." John said softly. Sharing a look, Alex and Laf stepped closer to the hospital bed.

"Yes, John?" Laf asked, a glint of worry in his eyes.

"I.. need to tell you guys.. something," John smiled softly.

"Anything, John," Alex said now, smiling at John.

John turned his gaze to Laf first. "Laf, I love you. So much. You're a charming, exciteable young Frenchman and I adore your accent. You're fucking hot. I was lucky to be your boyfriend for as long as I was, and Alex is even luckier to be able to remain your boyfriend. You're a fucking _blessed_ man with amazing people around you. Never forget that."

Laf's eyes widened. "Was? John, w-what are you saying?"

"Alex," John took a shuddering breath and turned his gaze to Alex, "You're amazing. You're sweet and compassionate and everybody fucking loves you. I love you. Laf loves you. You're amazing, I'm so lucky to have been your boyfriend for as long as I was. You brought out a whole new side of me and I loved it. Now.. you have the chance to do that same exact thing to Laf. I know you love him, I've seen the way you look at him. Please, treat him with the love and utter care he needs. Be the... be the strong pair of arms for him. I know he'll be sensitive, but you two will pull through this together. Don't fuck this up, Alex, he _needs_ you. I love you."

"What? John..." Alex blinked in confusion, staring down at John.

John smiled weakly, a new light gracing his eyes for the last time, before they fluttered shut again.

That's when he flatlined.

"Holy fuck! John!" Alex shrieked, "Quick, Laf, get a doctor or something!"

Laf dashed out into the hall and moments later re-entered the room with several doctors trailing him. He and Alex stood off to the side, sharing soft words of comfort as the doctors attempted to revive John.

Moments later, a grim-faced doctor approached them.

"I'm sorry, you two, we've tried everything we could, but _John Laurens is dead._ "

"No!" Alex wailed, "No, no! He can't be!"

"I'm sorry," The doctor repeated before following his colleagues out of the room. Laf and Alex shared a teary-eyed look.

"H-he's gone.." Laf murmured gently, "Mon amour, he's.. dead."

"No!" Alex broke down sobbing, and Laf gently collected the man in his arms. "He can't be, Laf! Just several seconds ago he was talking to us! He's not dead! He's _not!_ "

Laf ran his hand up and down Alex's back as he let his boyfriend cry into his shirt. "He is, Alex, he is," He murmured. "Our sweet John is gone."

His only response was more sobs.

For a while Laf and Alex just stood there, comforting each other as they sobbed over their boyfriend. They eventually, with shaky goodbyes, made their way out of the hospital at closing time.

Two weeks later, they had an official funeral planned.

Later that week, on that date, they were the first ones there.

*******

After John's death, Alex and Laf were a mess; but Alex had coped fairly well. Laf, on the other hand... he was truly just a _mess._ He'd spiraled into a deep state of severe depression where some days he wouldn't even get up and Alex would have to call him in absent to his work. Sometimes Alex would take off too and sit there with him, comforting him. Other days he left him to his own devices, knowing he wouldn't try anything stupid.

Alex sighed at he sat at his desk, occasionally glancing at his phone. He had only an hour left of work, and he'd shot off several texts to his boyfriend over the course of his shift- all of them had gone unanswered and he was starting to get a little worried.

That's when he remembered he hadn't locked up the knives before he'd left for work.

_Oh fuck._

Alex leapt up from his desk, briefly checking the time- 7:30 pm. He shot off a text to his boss before he gathered up his stuff, stuck it in his bag and left.

On the walk home, Alex was completely tense and nervous- what if Laf had hurt himself? Sure, his boyfriend wasn't so irrational as to hurt himself, but he knew that he definitely had suicidal thoughts at times and he could get an impulse if he saw any of the knives. Fuck, he should've locked them up before he left. He picked up his pace.

Once he got to his house, he quickly entered- odd, the front door was unlocked. He clicked on the light. "Laf? Laf, baby, I'm home!" He called out, setting his messenger bag down on the couch.

It was unnervingly silent and he hated it.

That's when he noticed the light on in the kitchen.

Taking a deep breath, he slowly walked into the kitchen, bracing himself for whatever he might see. Since he'd prepared himself, he wasn't  _too_ surprised to see Laf sitting, back to the cupboard, with a huge gash in his throat and a bloodied glass shard in his hand.

Still didn't take away the initial shock of the situation, though.

"Holy fucking shit! Laf!" He ran over and crouched beside his boyfriend. "Are you okay?! What the hell did you do?!? How long have you been sitting here with this wound?"

"Minutes..." Laf choked out, his free hand pressed to the wound. Alex thought that was probably for the best. He didn't want to see how severe it was.

"Fuck- Hold on, Laf, I'm calling 911!" He jumped up and ran into the living room, fishing out his phone from his messenger bag and dialed 911. After relaying all the information he knew, he hung up and walked back into the kitchen.

The paramedics weren't going to arrive fast enough; Laf was already slipping away. Teary-eyed, he sat down and pulled his boyfriend closer, wrapping his arms around him and whispering soft words as the time ticked on.

The last thing Alex swore he saw was the ghost of a genuine smile on Laf's lips, before the Frenchman slumped against him and went completely still.

*******

Like he'd predicted, Laf passed away in his arms before the paramedics had arrived. They didn't even attempt CPR; it would have been futile, anyway.

So yet again, Alex stood there trying to hold himself together as he made funeral arrangements. John would want him to be strong, wouldn't he?

Yet again, next week on the scheduled Wednesday, Alex is the first one there at the funeral. He holds himself together until he has to say his euology for Laf.

Then he breaks down.

*******

Alex is a _fucking mess._ He sits there at his desk, frantically writing. Not like anybody will find it anyway.

He'd just gotten fired from his job for having a mental breakdown- _good riddance,_ he hated working there anyway. He'd just lost most of his friends for physically assaulting one of them during an intense argument- _good riddance,_ he didn't need them anyway.

Alex's world is crumbling, he's falling apart piece by piece. First his mother, then his cousin, now his boyfriends.

Now, Alex has officially lost everyone he's ever loved, and his world is crumbling into pieces.

He finally finishes writing- adding a sloppy half-assed signature before setting his pen down and rising from his desk. It was a suicide note- though, not like anybody would ever find it. Nobody would care if he died, would they?

He lets out a weak laugh and leaves his study with a forced smile. He walks a bit slowly down the stairs, turning and walking into the kitchen. The bloodstains from Laf's brutal suicide are still there, still haunting him. He ignores them and walks to the nearest drawer.

He genuinely smiles now as he pulls out a knife.

"Laurens, Lafayette, I'm coming to join you," He says softly, and he forces a laugh. "Haha.. suicide. The _great_ Alexander Hamilton, committing suicide. Quick, someone get the press in on this. Yes, I'm sure they'd say _great_ things. Nothing about me being weak and taking a coward's way out, no, not at all."

He continues to smile as he walks upstairs, settles himself at his desk in his study again. Probably one of the only things he'd miss.

He outstretches his arm and traces over the unmarred skin.

"Mama, John, Laf, I'm coming," He said softly, before pressing the blade down, barely wincing as it cuts into his arm. He drags it over, and over, across his skin until there are several deep lines. He wiggles the knife blade, cuts a bit deeper. Blood begins to flow out, dripping onto his desk. He smiles at the sight.

He picks up his phone and calls 911. Tells the operator what he just did and his location, then hangs up. He sets his phone on the top corner of his desk, knowing the paramedics won't arrive in time. He'll finally be free from this _god-awful_ world.

He _smiles._

He slumps in his seat, waits for a bit. He starts growing tired; the blood loss is getting to him. He sighs softly and leans his head on his bleeding arm.

Exhaustion takes over quite quickly.

"Mama, Laurens... Laf, my sweet boyfriends, I'm coming back.." He says softly, blinking his eyes once.

Sirens sound in the distance, and he smiles one last time as he shuts his eyes for good.

**Author's Note:**

> I can already tell what the comments section will be filled with....
> 
> Don't kill me please I rather value my life thanks lmao
> 
> Might write other angst?? With other ships?? So if you want more angsty shit like this hmu with a ship name??
> 
> bye
> 
> ~a very french baguette


End file.
